Meet our team and share in their stories of triumph over tragedy
Miscarriage Matters is comprised of a remarkably diverse group of individuals, each having experienced a miscarriage or early infant loss. Though our stories are as unique as each of us, we share this one thing: the call to remind you that you are not alone and that your miscarriage matters.
Esther's Story: Fertility, Twin Miscarriage
Esther Stanard: Founder, Director
For years, I tried to get pregnant, but for some reason, it wasn't working. Year after year, the disappointment would continue to grow. Finally I decided to seek the help of a fertility clinic. My fertility journey began in Florida and ended in Virgina. It took a total of about 12 years of heartbreak and multiple buckets of tears. Finally, I got the call from my Personal Nurse saying we were pregnant. I sat in my office and cried. God had finally given me my baby and I was overwhelmed. I waited a few days to tell my husband. I wanted the big reveal to be special for him. Finally my moment came. He opened a gift box that included a pair of baby booties. My husband looked at me with excitement in his eyes and swept me up in a loving embrace. My dream was finally coming true. Then a few weeks later, the news was even bigger, TWINS!!! Wow, could this be? I was over the moon!!! Then at 8 weeks, my world crashed. We retired to bed, like any other night, but tonight was different. I couldn't sleep and then felt as if something was wrong. A few hours later, I got up, and noticed that things weren't "right". My husband rushed me to the hospital and sure enough I was given the news that I would lose one, if not both. The next day, we went to my OB's office and could see that their heartbeats were gone. I was devastated beyond belief. As I tried to gather myself together and walk out of the OB's office, no one gave me anything of comfort or even a referral for a support group, nothing.They all just looked at me as if to say "that poor lady", but there wasn't any help given. I felt hurt, disappointed, lost and overwhelmed with grief. Our families were great and supportive, but I longed to talk with someone who could really relate. I searched the web, but found nothing. Long story short, 5 months later I got pregnant again. Through fertility God blessed us with a beautiful little boy that we named Isaiah. I love him with all that I am, but I will never forget about my two "little beans". This site, this group and our mission, is dedicated to those who have felt alone. You're not alone and Your Miscarriage Matters.
Praying For You,
Esther
For years, I tried to get pregnant, but for some reason, it wasn't working. Year after year, the disappointment would continue to grow. Finally I decided to seek the help of a fertility clinic. My fertility journey began in Florida and ended in Virgina. It took a total of about 12 years of heartbreak and multiple buckets of tears. Finally, I got the call from my Personal Nurse saying we were pregnant. I sat in my office and cried. God had finally given me my baby and I was overwhelmed. I waited a few days to tell my husband. I wanted the big reveal to be special for him. Finally my moment came. He opened a gift box that included a pair of baby booties. My husband looked at me with excitement in his eyes and swept me up in a loving embrace. My dream was finally coming true. Then a few weeks later, the news was even bigger, TWINS!!! Wow, could this be? I was over the moon!!! Then at 8 weeks, my world crashed. We retired to bed, like any other night, but tonight was different. I couldn't sleep and then felt as if something was wrong. A few hours later, I got up, and noticed that things weren't "right". My husband rushed me to the hospital and sure enough I was given the news that I would lose one, if not both. The next day, we went to my OB's office and could see that their heartbeats were gone. I was devastated beyond belief. As I tried to gather myself together and walk out of the OB's office, no one gave me anything of comfort or even a referral for a support group, nothing.They all just looked at me as if to say "that poor lady", but there wasn't any help given. I felt hurt, disappointed, lost and overwhelmed with grief. Our families were great and supportive, but I longed to talk with someone who could really relate. I searched the web, but found nothing. Long story short, 5 months later I got pregnant again. Through fertility God blessed us with a beautiful little boy that we named Isaiah. I love him with all that I am, but I will never forget about my two "little beans". This site, this group and our mission, is dedicated to those who have felt alone. You're not alone and Your Miscarriage Matters.
Praying For You,
Esther
Barbara's Story: Twin Miscarriage
Barbara Guillory: Co-Director, Content Manager
A miscarriage is not something that you think will happen to you, and I was most definitely one of those women that felt that way. After two normal pregnancies and two healthy boys, my husband and I were ready to try for a girl. When we received the news that I was pregnant for the third time, I began immediately to think of little girl names and buying little things to plan for the arrival of my new baby girl. On my 12 week appointment, I was experiencing discomfort, but I didn't think it was anything to really worry about. I mentioned it to the doctor, and he ordered a sonogram for the following day just to make sure everything was fine.The next day I went in for the sonogram appointment, and as the radiologist moved the wand across my belly, she began to smile. She said that she had great news and that she saw two embryos with two little heart beats. At the time, I think I was more surprised by the news than I was excited. The drive home was one of mixed emotions. Questions swirled around my head as I drove through the streets of Dallas, passing intersections and people that all seemed like a blur at the time. I was anxious in regards to the possibility of being responsible for the growth of two human lives at the same time and the financial impact that it would have on my family during that time. I also started warming up to the possibility of having twin girls and completing our perfect little family. It is amazing how we as humans doubt and rejoice at the same time...After about a week of settling into the idea that I was having twins, the uncomfortable feeling became more of a throbbing pain in the lowest part of my abdomen. I made an emergency appointment to see my ob/gyn. He was surprised to see me so soon, but he proceeded by immediately checking the babies heart beat. He continued examining me with a very serious look. After checking my cervix, he told me that I was dilating and he was putting me on complete bed-rest. He told me that he did not find anything abnormal with the previous exam, but sometimes these things happen. We can only do what we can to prevent losing the babies. I went home and did just that. I stayed in the bed for the rest of the week. There were moments that I blamed myself for the insecure thoughts that came across my mind when the radiologist gave me the news of the twins. "Why did I doubt God?" "Why didn't I realize from the beginning that this should have been instant, joyous news?" I thought these complications were my fault, and I began to pray at that moment that my babies will be okay. Half way through the following week, I woke up with cramps like no cramps I have ever had before. A trip to the bathroom confirmed the reason for the cramping. The babies did not survive. It seemed like the breath was knocked out of me. My husband took me to the emergency room, so we could get a true result. A true revelation... After leaving the hospital, the drive home seemed to take forever. I just wanted to sleep this loss away. Maybe I would wake up and realize that it was all a dream. The boys knew something was wrong. My oldest kept asking why I was crying, and my youngest just wanted to sit in my lap and wipe my face. My husband was sad as well, but he kept telling me that we will one day try again. At that time, trying again was the last thing on my mind, but I knew it was his way of dealing with the pain and keeping me optimistic. I continued for about a month to just shut myself away from everyone and everything. I just did not want to face the loss and the pain of it. My best friends were saying the same thing my husband was saying. I refused to listen to such hope and I couldn't deal with them either. I had not told my parents of the pregnancy, so how could I tell them of the miscarriage? With no one to talk to, who would understand? I knew I had to pull myself together for my boys. I decided to ask God for the strength to get pass the grief. To help me deal with a loss that I never imagined that I would have to face. At this very moment, I just realized this is the first time I have traced that moment so vividly and made these thoughts so concrete after all these years. Twenty-one years later and the blessing of three children after the loss of the twins, I am so grateful to be a part of a promise of hope, a sanctuary of understanding, and a council of kindred spirits that have been on similar journeys of loss and renewal. This is for the women that now have an opportunity to tell their stories and heal with women just like themselves. We, at Miscarriage Matters, are here to offer you that avenue that was not available to us during our times of grief. It is my desire that all women and there families have the opportunity to let their voices be heard and receive the help they need in order to begin to heal emotionally, mentally, and physically. We will be here as you walk down that path of recovery and reviving. You will not have to wait twenty-one years to be heard.
A miscarriage is not something that you think will happen to you, and I was most definitely one of those women that felt that way. After two normal pregnancies and two healthy boys, my husband and I were ready to try for a girl. When we received the news that I was pregnant for the third time, I began immediately to think of little girl names and buying little things to plan for the arrival of my new baby girl. On my 12 week appointment, I was experiencing discomfort, but I didn't think it was anything to really worry about. I mentioned it to the doctor, and he ordered a sonogram for the following day just to make sure everything was fine.The next day I went in for the sonogram appointment, and as the radiologist moved the wand across my belly, she began to smile. She said that she had great news and that she saw two embryos with two little heart beats. At the time, I think I was more surprised by the news than I was excited. The drive home was one of mixed emotions. Questions swirled around my head as I drove through the streets of Dallas, passing intersections and people that all seemed like a blur at the time. I was anxious in regards to the possibility of being responsible for the growth of two human lives at the same time and the financial impact that it would have on my family during that time. I also started warming up to the possibility of having twin girls and completing our perfect little family. It is amazing how we as humans doubt and rejoice at the same time...After about a week of settling into the idea that I was having twins, the uncomfortable feeling became more of a throbbing pain in the lowest part of my abdomen. I made an emergency appointment to see my ob/gyn. He was surprised to see me so soon, but he proceeded by immediately checking the babies heart beat. He continued examining me with a very serious look. After checking my cervix, he told me that I was dilating and he was putting me on complete bed-rest. He told me that he did not find anything abnormal with the previous exam, but sometimes these things happen. We can only do what we can to prevent losing the babies. I went home and did just that. I stayed in the bed for the rest of the week. There were moments that I blamed myself for the insecure thoughts that came across my mind when the radiologist gave me the news of the twins. "Why did I doubt God?" "Why didn't I realize from the beginning that this should have been instant, joyous news?" I thought these complications were my fault, and I began to pray at that moment that my babies will be okay. Half way through the following week, I woke up with cramps like no cramps I have ever had before. A trip to the bathroom confirmed the reason for the cramping. The babies did not survive. It seemed like the breath was knocked out of me. My husband took me to the emergency room, so we could get a true result. A true revelation... After leaving the hospital, the drive home seemed to take forever. I just wanted to sleep this loss away. Maybe I would wake up and realize that it was all a dream. The boys knew something was wrong. My oldest kept asking why I was crying, and my youngest just wanted to sit in my lap and wipe my face. My husband was sad as well, but he kept telling me that we will one day try again. At that time, trying again was the last thing on my mind, but I knew it was his way of dealing with the pain and keeping me optimistic. I continued for about a month to just shut myself away from everyone and everything. I just did not want to face the loss and the pain of it. My best friends were saying the same thing my husband was saying. I refused to listen to such hope and I couldn't deal with them either. I had not told my parents of the pregnancy, so how could I tell them of the miscarriage? With no one to talk to, who would understand? I knew I had to pull myself together for my boys. I decided to ask God for the strength to get pass the grief. To help me deal with a loss that I never imagined that I would have to face. At this very moment, I just realized this is the first time I have traced that moment so vividly and made these thoughts so concrete after all these years. Twenty-one years later and the blessing of three children after the loss of the twins, I am so grateful to be a part of a promise of hope, a sanctuary of understanding, and a council of kindred spirits that have been on similar journeys of loss and renewal. This is for the women that now have an opportunity to tell their stories and heal with women just like themselves. We, at Miscarriage Matters, are here to offer you that avenue that was not available to us during our times of grief. It is my desire that all women and there families have the opportunity to let their voices be heard and receive the help they need in order to begin to heal emotionally, mentally, and physically. We will be here as you walk down that path of recovery and reviving. You will not have to wait twenty-one years to be heard.
Latrice's Story: First Pregnancy Miscarriage
Latrice Jorden: Secretary
Before I graduated from High School my teacher asked me to write a paragraph about where I thought I would be in ten years. Getting married and having two children was at the top of my list. That was so important to me at an early age. I didn’t care how much money I had as long as I had my family. I always said I wanted two children, a boy and a girl, in that order. Being that I came from a large family I only wanted a child for each hand. I married at the early age of twenty to my best friend and love. Right away I wanted to start a family. That didn’t go over well with my new husband. He wanted us to at least wait a few years before we had children. I was fine with it until I got the baby itch again. So at the age of twenty two I was pregnant with our first child. I didn’t waste any time telling everyone. I loved all the attention I was getting from coworkers and family members. We even had the names picked out. Around the third month my happiness was interrupted when I started spotting. I called my OBYGN and told him my symptoms. He told me a little spotting is fine, but if it didn’t stop I needed to set up an appointment for a checkup. When the spotting didn’t stop I began to worry and called the doctor back. He told me to make an appointment to have an ultrasound done. At my last checkup I had with the OBYGN I was able to hear the heartbeat of the fetus. It sounded like a freight train. The first thing I noticed with this ultrasound was that there was no heartbeat. The ultrasound revealed that I had already passed the fetus. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing or hearing. My doctor told me I would need to have a D&C. Everything seemed to be happening so fast and I was in shock. He also explained to me that first time pregnancies sometime result in miscarriage.That was the last thing I wanted to hear. I just came in for an ultrasound, not this. Before I left his office I made an appointment to have the procedure done. I went home and I was so sad and was still in denial. I thought in my mind that the doctor didn’t read the ultrasound right and everything will be alright. A couple of days passed and the spotting turned into bleeding. Then I started having really bad pains in my abdomen and back. When I couldn’t take the pain any more, I called my OBYGN and told him what was going on. He told me to go to the emergency room as soon as possible. The ride seemed so long and the pain was so great. It seemed like my husband was hitting every bump in the road. When we arrived to the E.R. they took me back right away. I was given a drug to put me to sleep so the D&C could be done. When I got home I felt so sad and disappointed. I think the hardest part was having to tell everyone I had had a miscarriage. The excitement turned into pity and well wishes. I wasn’t expecting the emotions that came along with the miscarriage. For months I felt guilty because I wondered if I had done something to have caused it. Maybe if I hadn't lifted this and maybe I shouldn’t have cleaned that. I had no one to talk to except my husband and he was hurting just as much as I was. At the time there was no litature or support group to my knowledge that would help me better understand what I was going through. With much prayer and a supporting husband I was able to get through our loss. Eight months later I was pregnant for the second time. This time around, my husband and I didn’t tell anyone, not until I knew I was out of the danger zone. With great expectation, I had a healthy baby boy and we couldn’t have been happier. For many years I thought about the miscarriage and how it affected my life. I couldn’t imagine anyone else going through it or even going through it twice. I know I would have healed quicker if I had someone tell me I was not alone and that they understood. It is real and it does matter.
Before I graduated from High School my teacher asked me to write a paragraph about where I thought I would be in ten years. Getting married and having two children was at the top of my list. That was so important to me at an early age. I didn’t care how much money I had as long as I had my family. I always said I wanted two children, a boy and a girl, in that order. Being that I came from a large family I only wanted a child for each hand. I married at the early age of twenty to my best friend and love. Right away I wanted to start a family. That didn’t go over well with my new husband. He wanted us to at least wait a few years before we had children. I was fine with it until I got the baby itch again. So at the age of twenty two I was pregnant with our first child. I didn’t waste any time telling everyone. I loved all the attention I was getting from coworkers and family members. We even had the names picked out. Around the third month my happiness was interrupted when I started spotting. I called my OBYGN and told him my symptoms. He told me a little spotting is fine, but if it didn’t stop I needed to set up an appointment for a checkup. When the spotting didn’t stop I began to worry and called the doctor back. He told me to make an appointment to have an ultrasound done. At my last checkup I had with the OBYGN I was able to hear the heartbeat of the fetus. It sounded like a freight train. The first thing I noticed with this ultrasound was that there was no heartbeat. The ultrasound revealed that I had already passed the fetus. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing or hearing. My doctor told me I would need to have a D&C. Everything seemed to be happening so fast and I was in shock. He also explained to me that first time pregnancies sometime result in miscarriage.That was the last thing I wanted to hear. I just came in for an ultrasound, not this. Before I left his office I made an appointment to have the procedure done. I went home and I was so sad and was still in denial. I thought in my mind that the doctor didn’t read the ultrasound right and everything will be alright. A couple of days passed and the spotting turned into bleeding. Then I started having really bad pains in my abdomen and back. When I couldn’t take the pain any more, I called my OBYGN and told him what was going on. He told me to go to the emergency room as soon as possible. The ride seemed so long and the pain was so great. It seemed like my husband was hitting every bump in the road. When we arrived to the E.R. they took me back right away. I was given a drug to put me to sleep so the D&C could be done. When I got home I felt so sad and disappointed. I think the hardest part was having to tell everyone I had had a miscarriage. The excitement turned into pity and well wishes. I wasn’t expecting the emotions that came along with the miscarriage. For months I felt guilty because I wondered if I had done something to have caused it. Maybe if I hadn't lifted this and maybe I shouldn’t have cleaned that. I had no one to talk to except my husband and he was hurting just as much as I was. At the time there was no litature or support group to my knowledge that would help me better understand what I was going through. With much prayer and a supporting husband I was able to get through our loss. Eight months later I was pregnant for the second time. This time around, my husband and I didn’t tell anyone, not until I knew I was out of the danger zone. With great expectation, I had a healthy baby boy and we couldn’t have been happier. For many years I thought about the miscarriage and how it affected my life. I couldn’t imagine anyone else going through it or even going through it twice. I know I would have healed quicker if I had someone tell me I was not alone and that they understood. It is real and it does matter.
Shirley's Story: Multiple Miscarriages and Early Infant Loss
Shirley Haynes: Story Submission
PREGNANCIES IN THE 70'S AND 80'S- I was bubbling with joy that my pregnancy of 3 to 4 months was going well. However, in the 1970's there was a medical concern that women over a given age were more at risk for having a Down's Syndrome birth. I was scheduled to go to Houston from the Austin area and have an Amniocentesis. We were given a last chance to back out of the procedure. However, my husband thought we should do it since we had come that far. Afterwards, I was told that I didn't have any restriction on my activities. I was encouraged to proceed with normal activities. The next day, which was a Saturday, I was cleaning, followed by Sunday which was also active. Then on Monday, a National Holiday, we took our daughter swimming at the park. I should have realized that something was going wrong on Sunday when I failed to feel the heart beat of the baby. Also when I didn't feel up to my long daily walk for exercise. Again, I should have known that things were going wrong. It finally hit me Tuesday night when I was all alone in the house with our young daughter. We lived in a rural setting with neighbors a block or more away. I managed to get to a phone and called my cousin who took me (us) to a Austin hospital. I miscarried in the back seat of the car as I rode the long distance to the hospital. I was able to contact my husband and he met us at the hospital. My mother flew in from Ohio and was a great help and comfort as I progressively healed. It was a blessing that she could be there to help for a month to six weeks. God's hand is in our healing. He is there for us. God blessed me to conceive again about three or four years later. God allowed us to love and enjoy our son for two-and a half years. However, in His divine power, God took Junior home to be with Him. We do not always understand it all. However, His grace is sufficient to bear it and move on with life. I know it's hard. We must live life to its fullness.
PREGNANCIES IN THE 70'S AND 80'S- I was bubbling with joy that my pregnancy of 3 to 4 months was going well. However, in the 1970's there was a medical concern that women over a given age were more at risk for having a Down's Syndrome birth. I was scheduled to go to Houston from the Austin area and have an Amniocentesis. We were given a last chance to back out of the procedure. However, my husband thought we should do it since we had come that far. Afterwards, I was told that I didn't have any restriction on my activities. I was encouraged to proceed with normal activities. The next day, which was a Saturday, I was cleaning, followed by Sunday which was also active. Then on Monday, a National Holiday, we took our daughter swimming at the park. I should have realized that something was going wrong on Sunday when I failed to feel the heart beat of the baby. Also when I didn't feel up to my long daily walk for exercise. Again, I should have known that things were going wrong. It finally hit me Tuesday night when I was all alone in the house with our young daughter. We lived in a rural setting with neighbors a block or more away. I managed to get to a phone and called my cousin who took me (us) to a Austin hospital. I miscarried in the back seat of the car as I rode the long distance to the hospital. I was able to contact my husband and he met us at the hospital. My mother flew in from Ohio and was a great help and comfort as I progressively healed. It was a blessing that she could be there to help for a month to six weeks. God's hand is in our healing. He is there for us. God blessed me to conceive again about three or four years later. God allowed us to love and enjoy our son for two-and a half years. However, in His divine power, God took Junior home to be with Him. We do not always understand it all. However, His grace is sufficient to bear it and move on with life. I know it's hard. We must live life to its fullness.
Ramona and David's Story: Early Infant Loss
Ramona Diaz: Social Media Communications Specialist (Twitter/Facebook)
Ramona is mother to her beautiful 4 year old son, David. While it wasn't hard for her to conceive, it also wasn't in her plans to have another child. Nevertheless, Ramona and David were extremely excited about their new addition and began to prepare for the new arrival. They picked out names. If the baby was a boy, David liked the name "Spider man", while mommy decided on something more traditional, Austin. If the baby was a girl, David's choice was "Spider man" while mommy picked the name Naxeli. They continued to prepare for the new little bundle of joy with mommy taking Lamaze classes and David took big brother classes. Then the big day came and the sex of the baby was determined. A baby girl!!! Overjoyed and full of excitement, they continued with their preparations. David was excited about being a big brother and Ramona was thrilled to have the little girl she'd always wanted. Naturally when Ramona got the news that she had gone into preterm labor, she was overwhelmed with worry. The doctor's informed Ramona that once she delivered, there would be no hope of survival for little Naxeli. This brought great sadness to Ramona and David. Naxeli was beautiful and precious in every way. She looked like a little angel. Ramona was given the opportunity to hold her for a few moments and then she was gone. Upon departure from the hospital, a packet of information was given to Ramona from the bereavement nurse. It contained the names of a couple of groups for her to attend. Seeking support, Ramona went to 2 out of the 3 groups that she was referred to. She attended two sessions of support from each class and received no follow up. Although these classes were offered to Ramona, there was no support or consoling for David. If this wasn't enough, Ramona's job was pressuring her to return to work. Since she "lost" her child, her team didn't feel like it should take 4 weeks or more to get over the loss of her child. Five months later Ramona is now back at work and David is seeing his school counselor. Their healing process has begun and will continue to be ongoing. Ramona wants to convey to others that early infant loss is truly a loss and more sensitivity is needed around this issue.
Ramona is mother to her beautiful 4 year old son, David. While it wasn't hard for her to conceive, it also wasn't in her plans to have another child. Nevertheless, Ramona and David were extremely excited about their new addition and began to prepare for the new arrival. They picked out names. If the baby was a boy, David liked the name "Spider man", while mommy decided on something more traditional, Austin. If the baby was a girl, David's choice was "Spider man" while mommy picked the name Naxeli. They continued to prepare for the new little bundle of joy with mommy taking Lamaze classes and David took big brother classes. Then the big day came and the sex of the baby was determined. A baby girl!!! Overjoyed and full of excitement, they continued with their preparations. David was excited about being a big brother and Ramona was thrilled to have the little girl she'd always wanted. Naturally when Ramona got the news that she had gone into preterm labor, she was overwhelmed with worry. The doctor's informed Ramona that once she delivered, there would be no hope of survival for little Naxeli. This brought great sadness to Ramona and David. Naxeli was beautiful and precious in every way. She looked like a little angel. Ramona was given the opportunity to hold her for a few moments and then she was gone. Upon departure from the hospital, a packet of information was given to Ramona from the bereavement nurse. It contained the names of a couple of groups for her to attend. Seeking support, Ramona went to 2 out of the 3 groups that she was referred to. She attended two sessions of support from each class and received no follow up. Although these classes were offered to Ramona, there was no support or consoling for David. If this wasn't enough, Ramona's job was pressuring her to return to work. Since she "lost" her child, her team didn't feel like it should take 4 weeks or more to get over the loss of her child. Five months later Ramona is now back at work and David is seeing his school counselor. Their healing process has begun and will continue to be ongoing. Ramona wants to convey to others that early infant loss is truly a loss and more sensitivity is needed around this issue.
Catina's Story: Teen Miscarriage
Catina White-Higgins: Editor and Chief, Story Submission
My name is Catina White-Higgins and I am a miscarriage survivor. I had my miscarriage in 1990. It was 6 weeks after giving birth to my first son and I was just getting ready to turning 16. I was returning to school from maternity leave and there I was, pregnant again. I had a hard time dealing with the fact that a life had expired inside of me and I blamed myself for many years. Today I am very vocal about it, in hopes of helping others heal. It is my pleasure to share my journey from the tears to the triumph.
My name is Catina White-Higgins and I am a miscarriage survivor. I had my miscarriage in 1990. It was 6 weeks after giving birth to my first son and I was just getting ready to turning 16. I was returning to school from maternity leave and there I was, pregnant again. I had a hard time dealing with the fact that a life had expired inside of me and I blamed myself for many years. Today I am very vocal about it, in hopes of helping others heal. It is my pleasure to share my journey from the tears to the triumph.
